So, Tymillia and Brian been married for two years but they done been separated for two weeks. Tymillia wants Brian to pay $1,754.08 for a cell phone bill and gas money.

Anyway, they got married because he knocked her up. Tymillia says she’s from an educated family. Brian went back to school and she was proud when he got an A and a B. But then he started missin’ classes and makin’ excuses. He full well accepts this as reality. He didn’t have the money to keep going to school but he didn’t tell her cause she always gives him ‘tude.

Tymillia’s all like, where’s his money going? I pay all the bills so something’s up.

Says Brian about where the money was going, it was going to “Me. Takin’ care of what I needed to take care of. Puttin’ gas in my car.”

Then, Brian proceeds to break down the numbers: He gets $600 a week. She gets $330 of that. That “only leaves me with $200.”

Lawd.

Oh, I can tell from the get-go that this is gon’ be a good “Before the Vows” episode of Divorce Court, one that you could even mute and enjoy.

Samantha, it seems, works “from 9 in the morning till 1 in the morning” while George don’t do much of anything. Oh, Samantha’s pretty hot, too.

So there’s that.

She talks about how everything was “good and dandy” and “fireworks” but then things went awry. She also shoots a sultry dirty look if such a thing is possible. This is right before he talks about how he used to think about her a bunch but now she’s all “too controlling.”

Dude. Whatever. I don’t care if you two are on here acting n’shit. You gotta give that lady some room, yo, particularly because she’s the earner.

She talks about having three jobs; he talks about the economy being rough.

She talks about how they don’t live together anymore; he does some goofy-eyed shit about her wanting him to pay rent.

Blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah.

Zone in on how she makes a spray tan work, even with the thick North Jersey and/or Strong Island accent.

See if she’s on Twitter and/or Facebook. Annnnnnnd that’s when it becomes clear that Samantha was a Bud Light Fantasy Mansion girl of some sort. Sponsored by McFadden’s.

OH HELL THEY’RE FROM SOUTH FUCKIN’ PHILLY!!!!

Then they get to talking about how she punches through windows and throw vases. Oh, Samantha just got a little hotter, too.

So there’s that.

SAMANTHA MAZZUCA, IF YOU SEE THIS: GO BEAT THE PISS OUT OF SIDNEY CROSBY!

Now I gotta sit back and think about whether I’ve ever seen Ms. Mazzuca vending beers at the ballpark McFadden’s. Bet I have.

Good luck, kids. You’re Philly, so I got your back, even if Judge Lynn gonna go and end the episode with that whole “romance without finance is a nuisance” jawn.

Well this is rich: Jessica Ronca apparently cheated on her husband the day/night of their drunken-Vegas wedding reception.

“I never loved him,” she said, of a marriage which lasted from 11/12/09-11/13/09.

No shit, crucifix-sporting stripper/Frogger stage-act understudy.

No, strike that negative intimation. Seems as if Jimmy’s a bit of a creeper, what with his “staying her friend” to wait for her to fall out with another guy to have his love for her rewarded.

They got hammered. Her request for a car in order to get married was apparently met. So, they hopped in the car and went to the drive-thru wedding chapel. Here’s what they looked like:

Post-wedding, they went to the strip club. Of course they did.

“She got on the pole and started dancing and she made all the girls look dumb, she was really good,” Jimmy recalls. “I was kind of proud of her. She was dancing to me. It wasn’t like she was dancing for other people.”

After dancing wasted, bouncers intervened because she didn’t want to go home to consummate. She came home the next day, “her hair all matted.” He threw her out of the house shortly thereafter. Even though she wasn’t “living with him at the time.”

“He’s known I never loved him,” Jessica said.

“Sex was good,” Jimmy explained.

“Good sex does not equal love,” interjected Judge Lynn.

“But it sure is nice,” retorted Jimmy. “She was leading me to believe she was having a good time on me, all that screamin’ and whatever you know?”

Anyway, there was some sort of a break-in where Jimmy lost $30K worth of stuff. Jessica denied any involvement.

Weird, weird episode. It makes me question the moral code of day-shift strippers everywhere.

These two have been together for three years, engaged for two and have one son together. Yet here they are, seeing whether Judge Lynn thinks they should get married.

Apparently, Christopher don’t want Atera bringing dude’s she was friends with around no more. And she gets a kick out of making him jealous. Hard to blame him. Ex-stripper’s fine …

… even if the man “never tells me I’m pretty,” who froze her out tha sex for a year or thereabouts. Thing is, dude’s spot-fucking-on. This Niko seems like she’s just gonna do what she’s gonna do regardless of how it makes Mr. Boston feel. I mean, bootie-call texts?! You can take the girl out of the strip joint, but vice versa, not so much.

Thing is, these two like a lot about one another when Judge Lynn gives them the mic for 45 seconds. She likes how “he never stinks” and gives good foot massages. He likes how she takes care of him, and dinner’s always ready on time.

Here’s the rub: He and his friends want to go to strip clubs. She don’t want him to, despite the fact that he says, “we all just meet there and chill. … And it’s cheap. And none of the girls there look good.”

The tears start flowing when Judge Lynn breaks the compatibility test results out and Atera hears that he responded “some freedom” when he was asked what he wants from her in the future. Semantics, yo. He’s all like they should just be able to go out with their friends erry once in a while. The teary performance, though, that makes me sense some acting goin’ on.

Anyway, Judge Lynn said no to the Niko/Boston union. Woe.

What kind of disrespectful mongrel doesn’t turn his cell phone off before an appearance before Judge Lynn on Divorce Court? The kind named Brandon Richart (pronounced like Alan says “ritard” in The Hangover”), who apparently likes “twisting his nipple hair into dreadlocks” in front of her family, something he deems a necessity because “I need to show off my body.”

Whiting wants a grand back for some bail she put up for her man who is “completely childish, I don’t even think there’s an age for how he acts.” She says he started acting like a kid the minute she got knocked up.

“I wasn’t ready to settle down. I was having a good time,” this mope says when his lady says he took off for a week upon learning they were a’breeding.

Nice.

“People call him ‘Monkey Boy’ and then he starts acting like a monkey, jumping up and down, running all over the place like he’s a monkey. And he’s supposed to be the father of our two-year-old child?” says Jennifer, who looks like a droopier-eyed heftier Katy Perry in a weird kind of way. “I feel like I was tricked by his behavior at first and then I was pregnant all of a sudden.”

Fuckin’ Monkey Boy! That so rules. I’ll bet Monkey Boy’s a BLAST to hang out with. I’ll bet you can get Monkey Boy to do all sorts of shit once you get him addled up on a couple shots of Rumple Minze. I’ll bet Monkey Boy photobombs like a mofo. I mean, DUDE HID IN A SWAMP TO DUCK THE POLICE ONE TIME!

Monkey Boy don’t like it when she puts restraining orders on his friends and calls the police on him and his mom. Jennifer should embrace the magic that is Monkey Boy ‘steada being all naggy and whatnot.

Sure, it’s not beneficial to have the father of your child running around acting like a monkey, and name checking Snooki at the New Year’s Eve apple drop, and really seems to have difficulty speaking in a smoove-mumble accent, but seems to me that that’s a ripe opportunity to break out the betacam and git some America’s Funniest Home Videos action.

It’s not like he’s one of them adult babies or anything.

These two, the Haddens, have been married for 14 years. Erik says Sydney changed in the past couple years, though.

Anyway, Sydney gets put on time-out within the first minute of the episode.

She went to a wedding in Michigan or something without him. Came home angry. He found her phone, she’d been sexting with a male friend. Posting n00dz, too!

“That made me very, very upset,” declared Erik, who notes that she was happy he found it, because she felt lonely and that’s why she was sending strip pix.

She’s bitching about how he doesn’t take care of her. Like the time she was a model at a body-painting show — “Just me trying something new” — and then when she took her top off, she didn’t say anything and “when I kissed another guy, he didn’t say anything.”

When he says that she was looking for relationships with other guys, she retorts, “I think you’re looking for other guys, too.” DAG. This chick’s just cold. Hostile. Cunty. These two should’ve worked their shit out without going on TV. Sorry, can’t bear to watch more of this one.

Oh, I like these two and the open’n credits ain’t even over yet. Anthony — YO! — he one cool cat, yo. A-Dawg can’t even open his eyes opener than when people be high n’shit.

A-Dawg talkin’ about how Christina “don’t do what she need to do to keep satisfied as the man I am of tha house, you know, it’s crazy, she’s irresponsible. When I’m tryin’ to get me some, you know, I look like a good lookin’ guy right now, you know …” then it gets unintelligible for a spell … “lookin’ real good, you know, clean, you know, women want me, so I’m tryin’ to git some wit her. Can we do dis? Try to make love, know what I’m sayin’? She pushin’ me off, like, want, she don’t want this and that?”

A-Dawg then notes that she be comin’ to him wanting to get her nails and hair done and whatnot but Christina’s all like, “The money is mine. I should be able to spend it like I want to.”

She has a job. He laughs. Even though he on unemployment. See what I mean: Anthony Wade is the MACK.

“How can she make sure the bills is paid if I’m the one payin’ em?” he asks.

This is a solid question.

But then Christina’s all like Anthony’s a cheater and he didn’t congratulate her when she got some sort of degree for billing and coding or something. Her friend Teresa Marshall all gets like Anthony is a “debilitating man” who wants to keep Christina “stagnating.” He gets timeout right quick n’shit.

When she told him to get a divorce if he don’t like it, he said he “don’t feel like training a new one.” A DAWGGGGG IS UP IN THIS SHIT, YO!!!

Then Judge Lynn’s all like A Dawg “showed up a fool in here.” This leads me to question Judge Lynn’s credibility. A Dawg is the shit.

“Right now I don’t work, but I have been working before, your honor,” A-Dawg says. “I needed a little break. I been doin’ so hard.”

He had a job six months ago, yo. The fuck they all judging him fo? This economy messin’ all SORTS of shit up. But then check this, what Christina be sayin’.

“Who wants to sleep with someone who smells like alcohol, bootie and weed?”

And then A-Dawg jus’ put his hand on his hip all proud. Like A-Dawg SHOULD be. This Teresa she keep piping in with all this A-Dawg ain’t no good type of repertoire.

“How you ‘pect me to give you sumfin better if you sittin’ here half-cookin’ food, overcookin’ food?”

At this point Christina lets out oneadem “oooooooh’s” and Teresa all like how A-Dawg talkin’ about overcookin’ food but “that plate come back empty eerrrrry timmmmmme.” A-Dawg just laffin’.

“I am not the devil,” says A-Dawg, who denies talkin’ down to people in the house but they don’t be listening to him.

And then Christina pawned one of Anthony’s good cameras for, like, $75 when it was worf $1K and she says it was all to pay for rent and that A-Dawg want that money for his side piece but then A-Dawg all like I ain’t got nothing on the side and then Judge Lynn all like Joe the Bailiff go stand next to A-Dawg because he ain’t got nothing left to say for the rest of the show and that Christina is a beautiful and strong woman who she hopes ain’t been “whittled away” by all that A-Dawg put her through but that A-Dawg is nothin’ but unaccomplished and unkind and unworthy and unmanlike and is a man so incapable of making his own way that the only thing he do to make himself feel better is to pick apart the people who he closest to and that A-Dawg a sad excuse for a human being and a man and Judge Lynn is all judging him and shit but ain’t payin’ his pimpitudinal spirit ANY DAMN RESPEC’ ALL HAIL A-DAWG A-DAWG PIMP A-DAWG WHATWHAT.

And then she don’t even done give A-Dawg money for the camera she pawned. Fuck. That. Yo.

Ok, these two were married for six years, got divorced and are considering reconciliation. As such, this is a Divorce Court first. Judge Lynn seems energized by this.

They got together at 14. Pregnant at 17. “Which drove us to the idea of getting married,” said Matthew, who was “a boy trying to fill a man’s shoes.”

He seems rather genuine. THAT is a Divorce Court first, too.

Here’s the rub for him: Bridget’s got herself a temper. You can see it in her eyes. They’re not those “diaper astronaut” crazy eyes. Or those dark, dead shark eyes. Cute smile despite clenched jaw. But still.

She loved her freedom, too. Didn’t much miss him during the separation. He said he missed her. Getting teary-eyed. Kind of a flip-flop from previous separations.

Huh, she kept the name, though, so there’s that.

Then, they get into how she has all these male friends. And she cut her hair and lost some weight. And how he’s jealous.

“You are blossoming,” said Judge Lynn.

You know what’s going on here: His girl got a bit hotter so now he wants her back. However, the girl who got a bit hotter now knows what life is like for a-bit-hotter girls so she’s totally digging all the attention. So, she’s numbed herself to the point that she ain’t about to go back to the dude who kicked her to the curb, thus inspiring these physical improvements.

Good for her. In another Divorce Court first, and even though they decided to stay together after the L.A. trip, there’s a Def Leppard song to close this post out.

What with the new season of Bridezillas having started last night, an email I received from tipster Fellow Philly Girl was perfectly timed.

First of all, FPG alerted me to the season having started (first episode will DVR’d on Friday).

And second of all, she made it clear that the Tampa Bay Times will NOT let you forget Kirsten Stiff Walker, who has apparently “emerged from alternate reality.” To wit:

I started making some bad decisions. By doing shows like Bridezillas. By doing some Court TV shows that were not even close to true.

You can be one thing on TV and very well be something else off camera, and people don’t seem to understand that.

They think they know you. I was in Jo-Ann Fabric, and I was being followed around by this lady, and she was like, “So how are you?” I thought she knew me. I felt bad because I didn’t recognize her. Eventually, she’s like, “I’m just so glad to finally meet you.”

There were people who found our house.

I dyed my hair so I wouldn’t be recognized. Dyed it black.

Spin your web of deception, sugartits. I’m quite confident Bridezillas …

… and American Princess …

and Divorce Court told us all we need to know. But whatever. We’re all God’s children, and we all deserve a chance at redemption. Televised, preferably.

Wisdom: ‘American Princess,’ ‘Bridezillas’ actor emerges from alternate reality [Tampa Bay Times]

You may remember the name Jessica Bailey from such posts as “Divorce Court: Jessica Bailey vs Nick Smith” and “A Divorce Court Breakthrough?!,” in which a Philly Blunt commenter sent links in which Ms. Bailey shared photographs with the world.

Well, fast-forward about three years, and Ms. Bailey posted on that second link yesterday, thus prompting an email exchange in which we discussed how awesome parenthood is and whatnot.

I mention this only because she shared several links to videos, and I wanted to share the one about Groundhog’s Day with you, because I found it both informative and entertaining.

Gobbler’s Knob. Hehe.

Julia Charlene Merfeld, who pleaded guilty last month to an April murder solicitation, tried getting her man offed because “it’s easier than divorcing him.”

Well, yeah, it probably is if you strip morality and criminality out of the equation!

She must never have seen Divorce Court.

Anyway, here’s the video:

“Being able to see it, almost as if you were in the car with her, moved this case forward and basically convinced her she had no other choice but to plead guilty,” Hilson said.

Speaking of the case in general, Hilson said, “She was very calm, cool and collected in describing exactly what she wanted to have happen. It was clear this was a money-driven motive for her. She was very interested in the $400,000 life insurance policy, and this was an easy way to get it, in her mind.”

Muskegon County Chief Circuit Judge William C. Marietti will sentence Merfeld July 30. Before her guilty plea, Marietti committed to cap her minimum prison sentence at six years. He can set a maximum of anything up to life in prison. It will be up to the state parole board whether she serves the minimum, the maximum or something in between. [MLive]

It’s been way too long since I’ve blogged about Divorce Court. I realized this today because of an Uproxx post titled “This Man Hilariously Accused His Wife Of Sleeping With The Entire Wu-Tang Clan On ‘Divorce Court.’”

This more than justifies the existence of human beings on Earth. Also, RIP ODB. Wish you could have been here to see this. #pouroneoutforDirtDog

Check this one out, fellas: Michael Johnson doesn’t like to work, so he doesn’t, but Kelley Johnson takes issue with that. Pebble-toothed bitch. First, they get the right to vote and drive. Then, they expect their husband to provide for a family? C’mon.

I mean, Michael is one handsome cat. He shouldn’t have to suffer through such slights. Besides, he said he did work. Watching the kids. And, doing something or other through a temp service. “She’s a drama queen,” he says, noting that she kicked the stereo out onto the front lawn and beat it with a baseball bat. She explains this by saying something to the effect of, “I wanted to do that to a person, but didn’t, so gold star for me.”

Oh, she’s wearing something that resembles a moomoo and he looks like some sort of funhouse-mirror cartoon character.

“He got blacklisted from temporary agency after temporary agency,” she says.

Not so. It was only one, sayeth Michael, who blamed her for his walking off a job which she blamed on her being allergic to “adhesive.” I find that oddly interesting. Like, does she break into fucking hives if she’s around scotch-tape? Wheezing around duct tape? Alas, it cut to commercial before these issues could be delved into. If any readers have adhesive allergies, please, I implore you, drop me an email.

Oh, Kelley went to some sort of temper program. “I came to recognize my triggers,” she says, adding that she spit in someone’s face. Maybe Michael’s daughter. She said it was “projection of my feelings for him.” He also caught her cheating on him because she came home with a perm one time without money to afford perming. She got it from “some guy who hung around the house.”

“I was seeking other means of womanly satisfaction,” she explains.

Yo, this chick’s fucking trailer trouble. And this guy, well, he’s just standing there like a fucking dope. I can’t even take his side in this mess. I’m done with the both of them.

These two have been married for three weeks. She said he’s jealous because she’s a model. An implied nude model, or something like that. He doesn’t have a problem with her taking pictures; he just thinks they should be hanged around the house if she’s gonna put them on her website. “If they’re cute, I wanna show them off!” she said.

He says the mother of his two children owes him four grand that she gambled away.

She gets mad at him for not looking at chicks at strip clubs or grocery stores, too. She also may have been playin’ around on sugar-daddy websites to find “investors.” Dana uses airquotes when he repeats investors, too. And Marquita tells stories about one sugar daddy who would text her. Her parents don’t like him, she says, “because he’s not rich.”

There are six or seven pictures of her hanging around the house, too. Like, big ones. Poster-sized n’shit. With no pics of the children around. “How much Marquita can I take, though?” Dana says. “Can I get a break?”!

He has rap aspirations. Name’s “Megaman” or something. She calls him a “divo.”

Oh, Dana thought the relationship would get better (and she’d stop burning through his money) if they got married.

Hahahaha hahahahaha hahahaha.

Hahaha hahahaha hahaha hahahaha hahaha hahhaha haha.

Pierre Davis has a problem. And that problem is that Veronica Davis — his blushing bride — don’t trust him. She also wants $3,000 for the two 1996 Buick LeSabres that he totaled.

She’s a loud one, too. Like, Shirley yelling at ReRun loud. In fact, she’s explaining a story about how she found him with another woman, and I can’t even follow the story cause she yellin n’shit. And another time, she found him with another another woman. “Don’t know what she’s talking about,” he says. “Ain’t how it happened.”

So, yeah, I’m on Team Pierre. Especially when he says that one of the two other ladies were there for his brothers. PLURAL. Oh, when they broke up, he got some other chick pregnant except after he bonded with the baby, it turned out not to be his, and then the nothisbaby mama came by to pick a fight with Veronica.

“I was gonna beat her,” she says.

Pierre even cut the umbilical cord.

“I told him from jump street! But he didn’t want to listen!!” Veronica yells.

She seems to like fighting. I like that. But then she starts bitching about how Pierre done emptied all her credit cards and bank accounts. Now, I’ve seen Pierre on the TV screen for eight minutes and I know he would NOT do something like that. He’s a father of five at 28 who fights MMA style which pays good “when I do fight.” He makes side bank doing what sounds like muscle, protection, private security.

“Your honor, she burnt and cut up my clothes,” explains Pierre, who adds that some guy who came over to repair the computer brought a naked girl with him, who Veronica found on her bed. I’m sorry, there’s something wrong with that?!

Side note: There’s some weird looking folk in the audience for this episode.

“You’ve never cheated on her?” asks Judge Lynn.

“I ain’t saying that,” responds Pierre, who took off for three months one time.

Split decision: Veronica wins.

Here’s the thing about why it’s ok to think Sheena Harrison is a soulless pig: She gives her husband Floyd Armstead guff when he says she texted him to share the fact that she’d cheated. This, because she called him to share that information.

Look-challenged whore.

Sure, Floyd’s no charm. “A crybaby of a man,” says the type of triple-necked chick who still uses the phrase “home girls.” The type of moron who cried when she told him his shirt was ugly, though he denies it. A few minutes into this, I’m pretty sure Sheena’s the man and Floyd’s the woman in this relationship. I can’t imagine Floyd’s “home boys” will let this go without some hardcore mockery.

Oh, the friend that Sheena brings in as a witness? Judge Lynn sees right through her as an annoying bitch, too. And I better not get an email saying “we were acting” for this one. They aren’t. Sheena’s friend just ain’t a good person, either.

All that said, I want to feel for Floyd here. I can’t, because he seems annoying. And he seems like a pussy when he asks for $2,500 for emotional distress. But, at least he’s not a bad person like the beast he chose to marry.

Walt Hochbruecker says his retired-shrink wife Vera treats him like a boytoy “and I’m not a boytoy.” Sure.

Vera Taylor, who’s already burnt through three spouses, says she treats Walt Hochbrueckner like a boytoy because she pays for everything and when everything is paid for for you, you are, in essence, a boytoy. Which seems fair enough to me. Especially when he starts whining like a graying gelding who has only lady friends.

Apparently, she takes him out to parties and “shows me off, parades me, a poodle walking me around” amongst friends her own age. That age being 71. Walt’s 14 years her junior. He says they brush him off as an inferior being. “Maybe it’s you,” interjects Judge Lynn.

So essentially what we have here is a wrinkled-up, gap-toothed rich elderchick who snagged a younger gent for purposes of being her trophy husband. Whatever. Rich dudes do it all the time. And none of them are good people, male or female, rich or trophy.

These two were on Bridezillas. I knew it THE SECOND I saw this crazy, crazy, crazy broad. It was one of those unforgettable episodes. She was, like, a performer or play actress or some shit like that and she was looooooooony loony loony. I remember something about her refusing to pay the band, too. In fact, I’m pretty sure she made The Soup end-of-year countdown. She plays the “I’m pregnant” card” before Judge Toler, too. This guy doesn’t have a chance.

Here are a couple videos to get you up to speed first:

Alright, deep breath here. Let’s get into the episode.

Kirsten walks into Divorce Court like a prima donna walking A Mighty Wind runway. Her voice is as annoying as I recall it being.

She says things haven’t turned out as perfectly as she thought they would. He’s mean and nasty and makes her throw “elegant cocktail parties” for his friends on 15-minutes notice.

How has Seth even lasted a year? I thought he broke up with her on the wedding night? Well, he says she pulls a Scarlett O’Hara thing.

“The only way I can look good in her eyes is to go over to someone, smack them with a leather glove and then challenge them to a duel the next morning,” Seth — poor, poor Seth — explains.

“Maybe if you stood up for me, though things wouldn’t even happen,” Kirsten responds.

SHE DOESN’T EVEN DENY THE FACT THAT SHE MAKES HIM GO UP TO PEOPLE AND CHALLENGE THEM TO A DUEL LIKE THEY’RE IN SOME SORT OF BIZARRE TALKIE. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN THAT CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY HEAD?!!!!!!!!!!

I’d like to think that they’re acting. That they’re reality show fame-whores. But what would the endgame be of acting like this? I can’t think of anything but delusion. Well, a delusional kind of “let’s play crazy couple and maybe we can get on these shows forever and ever Amen!”

She talks in baby talk, but for her regular talk. It’s almost like she never evolved beyond backyard tea parties with her dollies. And Seth ain’t no better. There is NO WAY you can miss these behavioral defects. I suspect it has something to do with Kirsten being absolutely insane in the sack. That’s the way these types tend to be. Zero inhibitions. But that’s absolutely, positively no reason to get into this kind of mix.

So, Kirsten pulls some sort of “I’m teaching kids how not to be bullies and he takes a job photographing women in bikinis and hid it from me so that means I’m being bullied by my husband.” She starts fake crying at this point.

“He screams at me. He definitely screams at me. Even when people are on the phone. He doesn’t even know how to text message,” she says. I don’t even know what one has to do with the other.

Takes a serious turn when she gets to talking about a miscarriage. “He was more happy when I had a miscarriage than he was when I was pregnant,” she says.

“I was not overjoyed at all about that,” Seth admits. “No, I wasn’t [happy that she was pregnant] but realistically, we have three dogs and a cat. The one is…”

“Well then we’re about to have a baby because I’m pregnant. I found out yesterday,” Kirstin interrupts, taking about a second for her to say all those words. And that’s when Scott starts rubbing his eyes because he didn’t know about said meeting of seed and lunacy egg.

“Perfect timing,” he says.

“He doesn’t answer his phone,” she says.

“I’m a little stunned, honestly,” he says.

“I want a family,” she says, “but I didn’t mean to get pregnant right now because it’s not working out at all with us. Maybe it’s because I’ve been over-excitable. I know I’m overdramatic. I just can’t…”

Judge Lynn asks why she doesn’t work on that whole quirk. Kirsten says she does. By trying to be calmer. “Maybe that’s not enough,” JL says.

Gee, ya think?

Then, she admits that she didn’t even know people paid water bills. Which led him to start screaming.

“The dog even gets scared when he screams,” she says. And then starts crying again.

Seth retorts that their water got shut off because she overspends on the dog.

When they get to talking about her spending $2,000 on hair extensions, she corrects him that she spent $1,875.

“He doesn’t let me have them anymore,” she says as a picture of her with hair extensions is put up in court. “See how cute I am?!”

Him: “They were probably from yak or something, some other weird animal.”

Her: “It wasn’t a yak!”

Judge Lynn: “Screaming at people who aren’t feeling well (she gestures to her head) doesn’t help. You need to get people who aren’t feeling well some help.”

Her: Scoff cry.

JL: “You’re not feeling well, Mrs. Walker. And it’s ok. There’ve been times in my life when I haven’t felt well, but I don’t run around spreading my bad feelings around. What I do is handle it.”

Her: “These are real stories, your honor.”

JL: “I know they’re real but they’re not as extraordinary and upsetting as you seem to be by them. You’re taking life’s ordinary bumps in the road and you’re making real big roller coasters …”

Kirsten’s face is now contorting between tears and crazy smirks and cold, icy stares.

Her: “Actually, HE IS!”

JL: “No, it’s you. And, there’s nothing wrong with it except it’s not good for you and it’s not good for the baby.”

Then, Kirsten flips out their whole walk out of the courtroom.

“Now everybody in the world’s going to think I’m completely crazy monster,” she says.

Couldn’t have summarized it any better myself.

Sweet Jesus, this does NOT end well. There’s not a single chance that it could. I would cut myself from ear to ear if I was married to this wide-eyed, horse-jawed, twitchy beast.